The Keys to Healing from a Break-up

A Psychology Today article published on Nov. 1, 2007 titled “Splitsville: From Break-up to Wakeup” wrote that people are more inclined to overestimate the grief they are going to experience after a break up, but people are more on target about the time that it would take them to recover from it.

When you are in love, the thought of a break-up is a distressing one.  It is often because your judgment is clouded by your emotions.

After a break-up, it is normal for people to go through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial. Your first act would be to deny that the fight or the conversation ever happened, or that whatever transpired will not signal finality.  You keep on thinking that the other side will soon call you and ask you back.

2. Anger. You will want to fight or blame the other party/parties for the break-up.

3. Bargaining. This is when you beg, ask, pray for your ex to come back to you.

4. Depression. This is when you start to feel hopelessness, self-pity, frustration, and being out of control.

5. Acceptance. This is the point when you start to accept that he or she is out of your life.  This is not merely being resigned to the break-up, keeping the feelings of hurt, anger and sadness hidden, but this is a realization that it takes two to make the relationship work, and that he or she is not willing to take that part with you.

Needless to say, the sooner you get to acceptance the better.  But healing takes time.

What do you do when you have just had your heart broken?

1. Be truthful to yourself.

Accept the break-up, and know that there is no sense in pining for somebody who is no longer there.  Be prepared to be single again and avoid mind games.  Mind games can only lessen the chances of getting back together again, especially if your former other half recognizes it.

2. Focus on yourself, for now.

This means three things.  One is that you should not think about what your ex is doing at the moment, where he or she could be, and other things.  Instead try to look for something to occupy yourself with.

Two is that you should take care of yourself.  While a break-up can make you feel resigned and frustrated, try not to wallow in self pity and neglect yourself.  Get a haircut, or undergo a makeover.  Make yourself look good not because you want to fool your ex into thinking you are okay, but because you want to do it for yourself.

Three, get involved with activities that interest you.  Do not go on a drinking spree and getting drunk every chance you get.  Instead, maybe it is time to hit the gym again if you have left, or perhaps you could join a social organization or take up cooking lessons or similar classes that you know will make you happy and more positive.

3. Meet new people. A break-up could be a good opportunity to meet new people, not necessarily with the intention of hooking up with them.  Instead, try to look for new friends.  In your cooking class, for instance, maybe you would meet somebody who shares your passion for cooking.

4. Reconnect with old friends. A relationship usually takes its toll on the amount of time you have for other friends.  With the break-up, you now have the time to get together with old friends and catch up with them.  Not only do you keep yourself busy, you keep your mind occupied, and you do not go into emotional outbursts or wallow in your depression.  Old friends can also lift your spirits up.

5. Know that it takes two to tango. Even if the other party had cheated or had been bad to you, a break-up does not usually happen on a one-way street.  So take time to reflect not just on the break-up but also the relationship.  Take stock of the things that you should have done differently.  This would give you a better insight on how to handle your next relationship.

Together again?

Even as a relationship ends, there are chances when the parties reunite after some time.  So restrain yourself from demonizing your ex too much, or it might look funny if you end up being together again.

If you have decided that the relationship is better in the past, then move on to the next one.  You can start dating again when you feel ready to, not because your mom or your friends have been pressuring you.  And surely not because you heard that your ex is painting the town red with a new partner.

Relationships end, yet you will find that by being honest to yourself and with the help of other people around you, you can bounce back to normal in no time.